I Facebook Stalked My First Crush & Found Out He's A Failed White Rapper

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I find solace in social media.

There's something oddly comforting about seeing how someone from your past is doing without, you know, actually having to engage with them.

Back in the good ol' days, you'd actually have to go out with your old friends to get a general idea of what's been going on. But now, all you have to do is scroll down your Facebook feed to find out what that random kid from your freshmen biology class is up to. Ahhh, what a time to be alive. 🙌

I deleted my Facebook a while back but I reactivate my account from time to time out of sheer boredom — just to see what's been going on, you know? Within minutes of my lurking (or stalking) session, I can find out decades worth of information. 

There are the unfortunate things that make you feel good even though they probably shouldn't, like:

  • The privileged kid living off his parents money is now bankrupt and has to face the real world after shoving his high-class lifestyle down your throat. 
  • The S/O that cheated on you got cheated on. (Oh come on, this one's a classic.)
  • Your relative who ignorantly voted for Trump now publicly regrets it after...well, everything that's been happening. 

Then there are uplifting things that rightfully make you feel warm and fuzzy inside:

  • The high school English teacher who was experiencing infertility is now pregnant with twins.
  • The friend that attempted suicide a couple years back is now living their best life.
  • And of course, all of the other happy announcements: Job offers, engagement announcements, etc.

There's also the unexplainable things that make you have an existential crisis, like finding out your first crush is now a failed white rapper living in his mom's basement. It happens.

During my last Facebook stalking session, I came across a video of a guy rapping in his car. I was about to continue scrolling...but then I saw who posted the video. It was my first crush. 

Because he was my first crush, I always romanticized him in my head. I remember thinking he was Danny Zuko on steroids — he was handsome, athletic, intelligent and had a heart of gold. Literally every girl was downright obsessed with him. In fact, he ended up dating (or "talking" to) most of my friends, which obviously made me insanely jealous. 

But he never liked me. (Cue the violins, please!) I was fine with that, because even as an emotionally unstable preteen, I knew that unreciprocated feelings are something everyone has to deal with at some point. But the thing is — he didn't just tell me, "Sorry, I like you better as a friend." Instead, he had the audacity to make a damn pros and cons list about me.

The cons side was lengthy AF. I was too short, my curves weren't in the right places, I liked Harry Potter too much, and a few other things that are probably too inappropriate to mention. My only two pros, you ask? 1. I play video games and 2. I have big boobs. 

The fact that he had enough confidence to do that just baffles me. I said I liked you, dude! I didn't say you were my one and only true love! And God knows every sentimental feeling I had for him disappeared after that pros and cons list.

For a while though, his statements would echo in my head. "Do I have any good qualities?" I would ask myself. "Or am I just the big breasted girl who likes video games?"

I still barely fit into a DD bra and my Overwatch career profile could make a grown man cry, but these sure as hell aren't my defining qualities. It took me a while to find value in myself after that list, but I'll admit, it was beyond reassuring to see what my old crush is doing now. 

Stumbling upon that video of him rapping about dollar bills and being a baller gave me a good laugh, but it also made me realize that I should've never let that f*ck boy get me down.

Social media slaps us in the face when we need it most. It's easy to over-romanticize people and the moments you shared with them, but seeing them existing in the present makes you realize you might've dodged a bullet. It makes you realize you're exactly where you need to be.

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